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 So, you're wondering, The Octagon? When I sat down to write my autobiography I realized two things. First, there was no way I could ever cover my entire life in one book. That fact immediately created the concept of an anthology. Then, about halfway through the first book I realized how much my life resembled an octagon, multi-sided and formed by straight lines. It was different, not over used in marketing, and that's the whole story in a nutshell. Why should you read The Octagon Anthologies? From the very beginning, my desire was to share the story of my life in a manner that would appeal to anyone. Whether straight, gay, bi, or tran, the stories are informative and entertaining. Many of the email comments I received from those that read my first book were from straight readers. Their common comment was that they had learned a thing or two. And really, that's what the Octagon Anthology is all about. It allows you to step inside a life that might be different than yours, an opportunity to see first hand what it's like growing up different than many of your friends. |
| Ryan Kelly's memoir, Book One of Three - 140 Pages.
is a true account of a young boys life set in the time frame of 1943 to 1960. Ryan shares a unique view of a boy dealing with a dysfunctional family and his own sexual identity, in a writing style that swings you from past to present. Stepping into the Octagon offers a chance to feel the complexities of youth and the wisdom of age. Ryan seeks what the world seeks, acceptance, love, and happiness, yet above all that he longs for a world with a changed heart. A world where everyone has the chance to live his or her life to the fullest and where memoirs like his never need shared again.Click Here to download a sample chapter from Octagon The Early Years (Microsoft Reader). Click Here to download a sample chapter from Octagon The Early Years (Adobe Pdf). This book is available in trade paperback at the following locations: Barnes and Noble.com But Books on The Web.Com Amazon.com The retail price of this book is $14.95. If you would like to save money and have the benefit of reading it on your computer, I highly recommend you purchase the e-book version. It's ONLY $6.95.
Ryan Kelly's memoir, Book Two of Three - 285 Pages  Takes off when book one ends at age 17 and takes you through age 32. While the reader may enjoy this book more if they have read the first book, each book can be enjoyed as a single read. The name Octagon is a perfect metaphor for the life shared on these pages. A multi-sided closed figure bound by straight lines. From the beginning Ryan desired to write a book that would allow all readers, whether gay, straight, or bi, the opportunity to examine the mechanics of a gay life, and by doing so, become more knowledgeable and tolerant. At a time when gay men are striving to secure equal rights, it is important that people have the opportunity to step inside the lifestyle. To know that when you remove the labels, people are people. This book presents an opportunity to look inside the Octagon. Much of the behavior that homosexuals partake in is the result of the biases and prejudices in our society. Hiding a life is an awesome task, most often accomplished with duplicity and lies, which in turn makes a part of that life invisible. In the beginning stages Ryan realizes that his sexual preference is unchangeable, yet he struggles to fit in, to be just like everyone else. As time goes on, he realizes that he still has sexual needs, and in satisfying those needs, he often finds himself in precarious and sometimes dangerous situations. Ryan often experienced confusion and frustration as witnessed in this paragraph from the book: "I knew what he wanted to talk about, yet I had so many thoughts, and questions of my own, I wasn't ready to deal with his. At times like this, I always over analyze things, making something out of nothing. He's not my type, not the guy I'm looking for; but he's damn good in bed. He's just another guy who thinks he's straight but has the ability to make love with a man as easily as with a woman. There's no future in that for me. Oh the hell with the future. What about now, what if there isn't any future? Today let's take care of today. How would I answer all the questions he had, hell I don't have my own answers. If only he could have been Tad. I placed my arm over Fish's chest, it was apparent that I was ready to talk." Then, after years of anonymous sexual encounters and alcohol abuse Ryan makes the decision to change his life. His newest friend Ron introduces him to religion, setting him on a new course for his life. Everything seems to be going his way with one exception. His newfound faith does not accept his homosexuality. In the end, he has to make the biggest decision in his life. Gay or Straight? Click Here to download a sample chapter from Octagon In The Middle (Microsoft Reader). Click Here to download a sample chapter from Octagon In The Middle (Adobe Pdf). This book is available in trade paperback at the following location: Lulu.com The retail price of this book is $17.95. If you would like to save money and have the benefit of reading it on your computer, I highly recommend you purchase the e-book version It's ONLY $8.97.
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 Come Look Out My WindowThe Poetic Pondering of Ryan Kelly 
I believe we must first get along with ourselves before we can get along with others, and that by inspiring the hearts and minds of others, one can change the world - even if that means one person at a time. Learning to get along with myself was not an easy task to accomplish, and I'm thankful for other writers who have helped me in that process. This book is my way of passing on the torch, hopeful that my words may bring comfort to those in the middle of their journey, and joy to those that have reached a destination. I have truly come to understand that with age comes wisdom, a proposition I fought most of my life. I've learned to ignore other people's ignorance so that I could discover my own wisdom, and found that in doing so, I got to know who I am, rather than what I am. This book is my challenge to you to do the same, to honor who you are. These words have no discrimination. They know not whether you be gay or straight, black or white, red or blue, they only know our commonalities. To some they will offer comfort, to others, a door of tolerance thru which one might pass. In addition, for those that have it all together, they will at the minimum, be entertained and enlightened. Enjoy my friend and share the words with the world.
Come Look Out My Window
Looking out my window
Of new birth and pending death
Certainly then life is of the heart
FOREWORDS
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| Excerpts from First book - Octagon, The Early Years From the introduction
I was getting gas for my delivery van the day I spotted Robert sitting in a chair outside the pay window. I ask him if he worked there and his nod indicated that he didn't. He then became very talkative and told me that he just fixed tractor-trailer tires when someone needed it, and then went on to say that he was trying to save enough money to rent a place to stay since his step dad had just kicked him out. I felt sorry for him and ask him if he would let me buy him lunch. At the time, my intentions were to invite him to church, but the lunch talk was more about him, and the longer I listened the more I became attracted to him. Since the conversation never got to religion but had instead turned into a travelogue of each other's lives, the question he blurted out seemed almost forthcoming. He just came out and ask me if I was queer, like why are you buying someone lunch that you don't even know if you're not. I gave him the most accurate answer I had at the time; I don't know what I am. He smiled, and then in a soft voice, he whispered to me that he also had this very same problem.
From the Chapter - A light comes on.
I am amazed at the intensity of my sexual desires at this early age. Most of my life I will be confused by them yet I will also find a powerful excitement in the planning of encounters and then the actual events themselves. I have never felt perverted in any way, but I knew I was different than others and I would have to live my life accordingly. I knew immediately with Kevin, that I enjoyed being with someone of the same sex. Then after James I was sure. For a young boy growing up queer in the fifties, it was a nightmare. But the reality of it is, that it didn't matter, I had to accept it and deal with it.
I'm sure that every guy that finds himself in this situation deals with it in his own way. It's just like many other things in life as there is no manual on growing up queer. You adapt, you deal with it, and you survive. I don't think I dealt with it as well as I could have, and I've had a few friends tell me over the years that they felt that they did not do well at being queer either. Sometimes young people commit suicide when they realize the life that lies ahead of them as a queer, and although I had minor brushes with those thoughts, I was fortunate enough to get past that.
The events in this book don't celebrate being queer, nor do they condemn it, but they allow you to see how one person dealt with it. No one made me queer. It was a natural feeling for me. I knew the very first time I saw Kevin naked that day in the woods that I liked the sight of another guy, and when he touched me, it set me on fire.
From the Chapter - Running
When things got extremely bad I often just walked out of the house and headed up the road to nowhere. The city reservoir was at the top of the hill just above our house. If you walked the streetcar tracks for about a half a mile you would find the metal door that lead to the main water line that went down to the city. Often I would go into this cave like tunnel and walk the length to the top. Sitting there in the dark I could hear the rush of the water growling through the pipes, drowning out all other sounds. I loved the peacefulness of it, but the mere thought of a pipe busting inside this chamber offered me more inner peace. Then it would all be over, and they would never find me. I'd be torn into a million molecules and spread over the city that sat below. When I got tired of feeling sorry for myself I'd head back home.
From the Chapter - Chris
That was the beginning of a great friendship and although Chris and I spent many hours together, I don't remember having much sex with him, but I knew that I had fallen in love with him. He was perfect in every way, and for the first time in my life I was experiencing the happiness of knowing someone cared for me. Chris knew I loved him, but he wasn't ready to admit his love for me, and while our bond with one another was clear to both of us, I honored his adolescent indecision. Although never spoken, there was an understood approval of the adoration I had for him, allowing me the opportunity for touching him tenderly when we were alone, and acknowledged by the tender touch offered in return.
Often as we sat in his living room watching television I would find myself staring at him. I longed to be able to touch him right there in front of everyone, to let the world know he was mine. I studied his every curve, the curl of his upper lip when he smiled, the sparkle in his eye when he laughed. I listened to how he pronounced words, tried to think what he might say before he spoke them. I now knew who I was, what I was, and what I wanted. No longer did I need to wonder what these feeling were, I had my answer and now it would be about how I was going to live my life. A short time later, in counseling, the doctor would raise the subject of my love for Chris, and reaffirm the reality of it, but for now, we were just best friends, and that was good enough for me. I don't remember kissing Chris, except on the back that night, and I regret that I didn't, as it might have
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| Excerpts from Book Two - Octagon In The Middle. From the Chapter - Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. My arrival at the new base took place almost thirty five years before ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ had been established as a policy in the military, and yet it was already in effect. It had always been there, just not in writing. After my experience at the last post, I wasn’t very interested in making sexual contact with anyone. That’s the way it remained for the early part of this tour of duty. I had learned in high school that being identified usually changes things for the worst. Stuck there in the rolling hills of Germany, caged by ten feet of chain link fencing and a guard at the front gate, I had found myself ready to play the leading role in a fiction novel. Purposely I avoided situations that would arouse my sexual interest. Not one clue of the fantasies I would create in lieu of the real thing, could ever surface. Not even so much as a casual glance at the eye candy I had already found there. Thinking about my stay there, I became frustrated, and then disgusted. It seemed as though I had spent most of my life asking myself questions, questions that I couldn’t answer, questions that no one could answer. I knew deep in my heart that I couldn’t be the only guy attracted to the same sex, there were others. I knew I couldn’t find them because they were hiding, just like me, but that knowledge didn’t answer my questions. What was so wrong with me, and the others like me, that caused most everyone to hated us? We hadn’t killed anyone, or robbed or raped, our only imagined crime was being attracted to the same sex. I thought about the people that had shared a sexual encounter with me in the past. They hadn’t hated it, or me, and if by chance they had, that wouldn’t remove the fact that they had done so, and had expressed enjoyment at the time. So, who were these haters? Where did they come from? I didn’t have a clue. All I knew was that they were destroying my life, making me someone that I wasn’t, making me hide. I hated it, and them, whoever they were. Bastards! Where does all their hate come from? No one had ever taught me to hate. How was I going to live my life with this curse over me? Could I learn how to do that? Would I? Learn to find others like me so we could hide together. Would that make things any better? I didn’t think so. What was I to do? What were my options? There were things that I did know, things about myself. I knew that regardless of what anyone else thought of me, I liked myself. I knew I was smart, not a scholar, but street smart. I’d been fending for myself since my early childhood and had learned a wealth of information about people. I had just recently discovered that I had the ability to be both perceptive and clever, clever being more acutely defined as deceptive. Two traits that a closeted queer is required to have to survive, what I then believed, was a curse. However, my greatest asset was my boldness, nurtured from youth and worn like armor, capable of stunning even the strongest opposition. Using these traits, really skills by this time in my life, I would be able to hide that part of me that others wished not to see while keeping a window open for possibilities of intimacy. They could make me hide, but I wasn’t going to run, I wasn’t going to disappear. From the Chapter - And Life Goes On I had told Don we could quit having sex anytime he wanted to, that I would be all right with that. I didn’t know at the time that we would be together for such a long time. He had even had sex with me during the times he was dating different girls. One day he was at his parent’s house, fixing something for them while they were away. I saw his car in the driveway so I stopped in to say hi. He was standing there in his underpants ironing a shirt and looking hot as hell. I walked over and reached for him and he backed up. “We need to talk,” he said uncomfortably. “What’s up?” “Well, remember when you said you would be cool if we quit messing around at anytime, that you’d be alright with it?” “Yeah, I remember”, I replied with sadness in my voice. “Well, I think that time has come.” “Yeah, I knew that was coming Don. What with you getting serious with your girlfriend and all. That’s cool, I understand. Hey, It was great, always will be great memories for me.” I lied about the being cool part. “Okay then, that’s it. It was way cool for me too Ryan.” “So wait a minute.” I said. “You’re looking so fucking hot today, one for the road.” “Ah shit Ryan, why ya gotta fuck it up?” Don said with a disgusted look on his face. “Can’t we just move on, like you said?” “Sure, no problem, I just wanted you to walk away from this with the same feeling you had the first time we were together.” “Man, I’ll always feel good about you Ryan, you’re a hell of a guy, and we don’t need to do this, it won’t change a thing” “Sorry Don, I guess I just got really horny looking at you in your underpants at the ironing board. You have no idea how sexy that is, how sexy you look.” “Oh yes, I do”, Don said, his lips forming into a sweet smile, “But it isn’t going to happen.” I walked over across from him at the ironing board, dropped to my knees, reaching out I slipped his underpants down. He took a step back. I got up, went over next to him again, and dropped to my knees. “One for the road Don, one for the road, let’s do it!” “You ought to leave now Ryan, it’s over man, now get up.” “You’re just being fucking stupid Don. What the fucks the big deal?” Fuck you, I’m out of here!” I ran out of the house, slammed the door, and headed for my car. Halfway to the car Don cracked the door open and said, “ Ryan, don’t be mad at me, you’ll get over it, I’m still your friend.” I kept walking, never turning around, got in my car and drove away. I wasn’t crying this time, I was mad as hell. Mad at myself. Pissed that I had acted that way. I wanted to turn around and go back and apologize. I knew I couldn’t face him right then. I’m such a slut, damn, when am I ever going to stop that. Although I often think of myself as a slut, I balance that with the fact that having a limited selection of partners to be with, when you loose one it’s a major loss. It had to happen, it always does. Really, Don was a hell of a sweet guy. He had spent more time with me than anyone else ever had; I loved him for that. He didn’t deserve to be treated like I had just treated him, and I was hoping we could talk soon so I could apologize. I knew that Don didn’t have a clue about how I felt about Tad, and how Don being there for me had made my friendship with Tad possible. Hell, it’s apparent I didn’t even have a clue what Tad and I was all about. How could I have been so taken by a guy that didn’t want anything from me except friendship? What Don didn’t know was that time had changed things for me. Things were different now, because so many things had happened since we had first met, so much had changed in my life. I never had a crush on Don. It had always been more about us just fitting together, two horny guys looking for pleasure and a friendship on top of it all.
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